Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A Quality-Time Engagement...

Am I going crazy? I’ve been wondering lately. My fiancé, Matt, is the absolute man of my dreams. I’ve never known a man like him, so deeply responsible, so caring and always determined to do the right thing by others. I love him so much it hurts, and have since the day I literally fell at his feet –
And he loves me the same way. At least, I think he loves me the same way. We fell in love so fast, and were engaged so soon, I thought I'd found a miracle: that a wonderful, handsome, caring man like Matt truly loved me…me, plain, red-haired Julie Montgomery, who in no way fits into his socialite world…
But then his father died, the family business went on the rocks – and he had to save 400 jobs. Of course he did. He’s making something he hopes will revolutionize the boating industry – he’s a marine engineer, but really, is more of an inventor. It’s some sort of water converter for boating engines, I think – he kept it a secret even from me, in case of competitors. He’s had to work really long hours on it, early morning to late at night. I understand it, I really do. But since it was patented and was a success, pulling McLachlan Marine Industries our of the red, and the media took an interest, he’s still working the same hours. He comes to see me, of course, and it’s always wonderful while it lasts…but when I only see him for an hour, and then nothing but the occasional phone call or a fly-by visit for days, and he keeps promising, I'll make it up to you…
I guess the simple truth is, I'm beginning to wonder if he ever truly loved me at all.
And now my darling friends at The Wedding Belles are taking turns finding men of their own to love, and spending their time with them as I do - did - with Matt, when we fell in love. It's only natural, and I’m so happy for them; but I guess the only way to put it is, I’m feeling lost.
It wouldn’t be so hard if all my family wasn’t 10,000 miles away in Australia. I wouldn’t be feeling so lonely, or crying myself to sleep at night, if just sometimes, he would not thank me for being so understanding as he has to go back to work or to a press conference; if he’d just look at me, and know I’m not always as strong as he thinks, and hold me…
But how can I tell him, when he’s being so selfless? How do I say to him, Matt, please look at me and see I’m trying not to cry? Please stay with me, just this once? Matt, I feel so alone, without family or even friends now, and I need you? I can’t say it. I just can’t.
Especially when he’s throwing me the Engagement Party of the Season in two weeks.
I just wish the media wasn’t taking such an interest in me. As if I didn’t already feel unworthy of my wonderful man – now I have to be gentle and gracious and dignified, all the things I’m not. I’m kind of a free spirit, you know? And Matt loves – loved – that in me.
I hope he meant what he said: that he’ll have more time for me soon. After the engagement party. Is it so wrong to want him to put me first, just once in a while?

Julie, general assistant at The Wedding Belles

posted by Melissa James @ 4:09 AM